Children And Ways Of Protection Against Them

Writen by Yana Mikheeva

As a matter of fact, it's considered we should protect children. But did not you think these small people are not so defenseless? Since birth, "flowers of life" have a talent to complicate life of people growing them. It often happens that parents need help. One cannot go without observing the rules of personal security. We offer you a direction for protection against your own offspring.

"Seedlings", or babies from 0 to 3 y.o. The safest sort.

How to identify: angelic appearance, hellish smell, helplessness, throat of cast iron.

Trouble: wild screaming during days and nights. Way of protection: The first most efficient and radical mean of protection against "seedlings" is a well-known elastic product.¹

1. If for some reasons defending line was broken and a baby was born nevertheless, read below.

Give him to a granny. All the same she has insomnia. If you there's no granny, buy big ear-flaps. Bonus: take revenge on your neighbors for their last year repairs.

Trouble: Dirty diapers, belch on your favorite cloth. Way of protection: Hire a nanny. Feel yourself like a boss! You may have no other opportunity. If you cannot hire a nanny, buy respirator, elastic gloves and protective gown. Bonus: will-power training.

Trouble: a constant tail behind you, as soon as he learns crawling. Way of protection: Buy a play-pen. You will be absolutely safe in it, and will be able to relax, at last. Bonus: a motionless way of life does not threaten you.

Trouble: loss of valuable things. Way of protection: read a book "Money cannot bring Happiness" and don't care for broken things. Bonus: you will work out a philosophic view on life.

"Cuttings", or children from 3 to 12 y.o. Sort of middle danger.

How to identify: thin extremities, curious eyes, foolish questions, bad character.

Trouble: "outdoor games" around your bureau. Way of protection: Use ear-flaps. Change your working armchair on a steadier one. Meditate. Bonus: you will learn working in any atmosphere.

Trouble: a torrent of questions about sense of living. Way of protection: Learn by heart a couple of phrases from "Capital" by K. Marks and pronounce them on any question. Your offspring will leave you alone soon. Bonus: you will start reading more.

Trouble: requests to buy a new toy. Way of protection: you will have to buy. This is the best defense, although it means great financial losses. Bonus: you will start earning more.

Trouble: Complaints on your "cutting" from other people. Way of protection: react unequally to all complaints. Roar with laughter, cry, or spoil for a fight. If you're shy from birth, - use ear-flaps and pretend to be deaf. Bonus: narrowing of circle of unnecessary acquaintance.

"Saplings", or teenagers from 12 to 16 y.o. The most dangerous sort.

How to identify: odd clothes and hair-do, chewing gum, piercing, spots.

Trouble: idiotic music since morning till evening. Way of protection: Buy your "sapling" a CD player with ear-phones. If music can be heard distinctly even in this case, use also ear-flaps and install a light signal for deaf people on your phone and door bell. Bonus: widening of your musical scope.

Trouble: your computer is always busy. Way of protection: delete all articles, links and pictures about sex from your computer, and create a password for admission to Internet. Bonus: conversation about pistils and stamens are cancelled.

Trouble: silence and sighs in your receiver. Way of protection: when answering the phone, tell the silence about a secret dream of your "sapling" to become a doctor and discover a remedy for enuresis treatment his whole family is suffering from. Bear in mind that this remedy can be applied to "saplings" that have strong nerves and sense of humor. Otherwise, undesirable sequels may occur. Bonus: "sapling", at last, will put off his ear-phones, spit out his chewing gum and want to talk.

Trouble: loss of cigarettes and money. Way of protection: Trap the places where you keep money and cigarettes, loosening springs beforehand with humanity. If the traps are still untouched, and money and cigarettes still get lost, check your "sapling's" documents, probably, he's adult already. Bonus: grown-up "sapling" requires much less care.

Grown-up saplings have to be instructed about the ways of protection against children, so that they would not make you happy with grandchildren prematurely. To do it, as a rule, it's enough to tell them about the product.¹

1. But if something happens... read from the very beginning.

Yana Mikheeva is the creator of Baby Health Directory - Pregnancy, Birth, Parenting and Baby Care resources. Are you going to get pregnant? Visit our friendly resource and read information on pregnancy and parenting, painless childbirth, growth and development of a baby, baby health, safety, signs of pregnancy.

She also has All about women site where you can find articles on various subjects, such as: diets, receipts, health, cellulite, figure, aromatherapy, wholesome food, psychology of relationships, pregnancy, parenting, fashion and many others.